So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
