well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
