There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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