He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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