There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
