am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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