why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
