She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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