At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
this will be a night to untag.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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