So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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