Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
