Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
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