I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
