She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
