I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
