The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
