I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
its not stalking. its research.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
