Yo dont text me then not text me
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
