Non-Jews are for practice
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
