Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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