my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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