Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
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