Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Say something about gay babies.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
