I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
