Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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