Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
