ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
