I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
