I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
