bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
