It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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