Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
