my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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