Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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