On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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