we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
You took a bar mat shot.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
