i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I came so hard my ears popped.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
