my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
