After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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