I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
