the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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