You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
