Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
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