Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
