I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
