I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
this hospital has no fireball
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
