I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
