She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
A bitchslap is in order.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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