Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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