Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
