so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
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